If you’re like most people, you’re looking for something ELSE in your life. It may be in your love life, your social life, your career or wherever you feel lack. Most of us fall down on the setting of the intention – we’re either too specific or too general, we miss the mark or are too lazy to do in it in the first place. Let’s present it as a fun art project instead:
Create a Welcome Mat to lay outside of your -proverbial front door- to welcome what you want and repel what you don’t.
This works for many life aspects (family interaction, work, money management) but because I’ve recently decided it was time to make space for a boyfriend in my life, it seemed appropriate to use my Doormat Challenge, to make a -Love Rug- Welcome Mat.
Years back, I remember making a “man must have” list and three days later a man of that precise description appeared. Post breakup, I realized my intention was off the mark. My original list contained things like – has blue eyes, dark hair and lots of bad ass tattoos – and Mr. List had all of those things. I had just neglected to specify the important parameters like, although he may be fun and spontaneous, I didn’t really mean raving alcoholic without a job who would randomly end up places naked at 3am and call me to pick him up.
So now wiser, the Love Rug was a much larger task, requiring specific needs but general enough to not unwittingly exclude good candidates. I started cliche – “Must Like Dogs” – but realized I didn’t care if Mr. Right liked dogs generally, I just cared if he liked mine. So I scribbled it out and changed it to “Must like my dog”. However, it had to go beyond LIKING, what I really wanted was a man jumping off the couch to chase her to the park. “Enjoys my dog” seemed like the best fit for me.
After completing the Welcome side of the mat, I thought the back side, containing the Unwelcome items would be easy – it’s just the opposite right? Nope, not really. Some things like “has positive personal power” don’t have a clear opposite – there are many. Other things like “affectionate – likes to cuddle” is WELCOME but guys who prefer buying flowers to cuddling aren’t necessarily unwelcome to me.
Once complete, it was time to put it to the test: I thought Prospect #1 was too old for me but he scored high marks on the welcome side and no serious dings on the unwelcome side. True, age really didn’t matter to me, I didn’t feel strongly enough to put it on either side of the mat. WELCOME!
Prospect #2 was so likable, handsome and successful – but when put to the doormat, he had very few welcome terms (attractive to me, yeah, well I knew that) and MANY MANY unwelcomes (self absorbed, workaholic who didn’t prioritize a relationship, emotionally unavailable). Damn, but I have to admit it – UNWELCOME!
It trued out. WELCOME verdicts really were the good guys and UNWELCOMES were always the guys who we’d love to make into relationships but… Hardly scientific, I know, but this exercise serves me most because it truly identifies the bottom line – what I REQUIRE to be happy and prevents me from rationalizing away things that are important to me. I may REALLY want to like Prospect #3, the hard core suburbanite, but it’s unfair to both of us to start a relationship that I’d end when he refused to move into a city. Better to call it as I see it – UNWELCOME!
What do you welcome? What is it that would make you slam the door? Start by giving good doormat – make your own welcome mat and finally welcome that SOMETHING ELSE into your life.
Leave me a comment with terms you used on yours or your opinion of what I put on mine.