BOUNDARY: the ability to know where you end and someone else begins; an ability to defend yourself and not offend someone else; the ability to take good care of yourself and not attempt to take care of / take responsibility for another.
- Accusing “Always/Never” – perfectionist statements creating impossible expectations
- Saying “You” – blaming
- Yelling voice – verbal abuse/attack, negative energy
- Calling Names or Using Profanity – not constructive, manipulative ploy to try to get someone on the defensive, unnecessary negativity
- Bringing up the past – done to hurt
- Categorizing / Comparing – way to put someone down, power struggle
- Doesn’t listen to other person’s side – not trying to resolve the issue
- Turns away or walks away – abandonment, shames people
- Sarcasm – passive aggressive ploy, removes the dignity of others
- Laughing at or mocking the other person
- Creating unrealistic/unmanageable expectations for others
- Demands to talk at inappropriate times
- Passive-manipulative behaviors (Pouting, Slamming doors, Whining, Making faces, Silent treatment, Eye rolling)
- Talks over last part of sentence
- Violence towards you or things around you – never constructive, instills fears, incites anger, creates possibility of harm
- Using weak points – abusive when using it to be hurtful, can be used in a healthy was to defend yourself
- Lecturing – abusive, condescending
- Interrogation – Power play, being cagey, pins someone down
- Monopolizing conversation, monologues or emotional vomiting – very one sided, goes against the natural flow of communication, doesn’t allow resolution
- Asking inappropriate questions – includes love relationships
- Mad about one thing but talks about another – indirect
- Threatening statements / physical gestures/movements across personal space boundaries – form of abuse, aggressive act, instills fears, incites anger
- Blackmail “or else” statements – manipulative ploy
- Ultimatum/Threats – A threat used to manipulate someone into getting what you want. (Different than a bottom line statement which communicates your tolerance levels. You have to be willing to act upon a bottom line if the tolerance level cannot be met or it is simply an ultimatum.)
- Attempting to “guilt trip” or “shame”
- Belittling or violent facial expressions or tone of voice
- Taking the others’ inventory – pointing out faults of another so that you win
- Conditional love – manipulation (i.e. “I’ll marry you if….”)
- Condescending – power play to hurt or shame
- Breaking Confidences/Third Party Communication – keep conversations between two people instead of creating alliances with others.
- Lying or exaggerating – misrepresenting the situation willfully
- Breaking Promises – dishonest
- Not Supportive Emotionally – however, this doesn’t mean that you always get what you want
- Playing Dumb/Omitting Information – manipulative
- Generally critical or judgmental
- Deliberately neglecting your needs – can only apply to needs you have clearly communicated
- Pushing buttons – manipulative ploy
- Taunting/Excessive Teasing
- Treating you like a child/mother/father; treating you as inferior or superior – shows codependent tendencies, doesn’t allow for full individuality of the person, treating a role and not the person, disrespectful, creates an unfair expectation
- Ignores – doesn’t listen to or take you seriously. Can also be willfully not speaking to or acknowledging you for the purpose of shaming.
- Being disrespectful or rude
- Won’t take “no” for an answer
- Acting Pushy/Demanding – doesn’t treat person as respectful individual or adult
- Gives advice not requested– presumptuous
- Trying to “fix” or “save” – assumes the person cannot do this for themselves, symptom of codependency
- Shotgun blasting – not staying on one subject – purpose is to interfere with the other’s ability to respond
- Sexual abuse – includes sexualization, violates another’s comfort zone
- Strings attached to gifts – gifts are gifts, not barter
- Withholding behavior – just to get person back, different from not wanting to/feeling like doing something
- Inappropriate secrets – secrets are hostile and unnecessary
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